Equal, but not

I’ve always viewed myself as a kind and helpful person.  I like to help people, and while sometimes my efforts go astray, it’s nice to think they’re appreciated more often than not.  My cat Spot is also helpful in the special way that cats can be, and I hope I’m more helpful than she is!

Sometimes, though, helping people backfires.  After some hands-on observation and personal learning, I’ve realized a few things.  But first, the story.

They were a family I ‘knew’ – loosely.  My partner knew them better, and they were getting kicked out of their trailer for non-payment of rent.  Alarm bells should have been going off here – if you’re working full time (even at minimum wage) and can’t pay rent on a $400/month trailer, there are more things at play.

But back to the story.  A dad, and two teen boys, all six-foot-plus, needing a home.  I was starting a cab company in a small town, had a big house, and figured I could help and they could work.  Again, work was a loosely described term here.

I paid for a truck to move their meager belongings.  I fed them.  I provided a car, helped to enroll them in school, and made sure their basic needs were met.  They ate like horses – more than the seven other people in the house combined.  They didn’t shower regularly, and stunk.  They sometimes went to school.  (I didn’t even want to know about grades) They didn’t seem to really want to work – whether in the business or around the house.  It seemed more things were damaged in the course of ‘work’ than used to accomplish something.

 They complained.  Not just to me, but to everyone around them, about how mistreated they were.  (Perhaps they felt that way.)  Much shouting went on, and the resentment was palpable.  They resented the fact that I bought my own child a new bike for his birthday, but not them (they did have bikes), and so much more.

I was confused.  What more did they want?  I gave them everything.  Perhaps that was the problem.  I gave them everything.  They were equal – but they weren’t.  They got food, shelter, transportation, and basic necessities, but not love, respect, indulgence. 

Eventually, I paid two months’ rent on an apartment in another town, and moved them and their stuff.  They were still resentful, but it wasn’t a situation I could live with any longer.  I hope they’ve since accomplished things that make them happy.

I have so many lessons from this.  Some are easy – you can’t ‘fix’ people who don’t want to ‘fix’ themselves.  Things we earn ourselves are more appreciated.  It’s ok to say no to something that’s not right for you (this certainly wasn’t – and was a factor in our later homelessness). 

But more importantly, in our current climate, I wonder if there’s a correlation to how I treated these people with the concerns of those who suffer under unthinking racism.  I meant well.  I made sure they were provided for.  But they weren’t on any level equal – I, in my benevolence, gave, and they received.  As less than?  Maybe.  In hindsight, I wonder if this is part of the current conversation.  Equal, but not.