Expectations

How often do you feel let down – by yourself, or by others?  It’s frustrating, isn’t it? 

Have you ever wished you could do something about it?  Me too.

A while ago, I learned about expectations – those I have for myself, those which I project onto others, and those which others project on me.  One of the most frustrating and helpful things I learned was that we choose these.


Why frustrating?  Well, if I choose it, have I can do something about it, right?  That puts onus on me.  Why helpful?  Again, if I choose it, I have the power to do something about it.  Yep, on all three of those counts.

We all have expectations – yes, you too.  Perhaps they’re reasonable ones.  I have all kinds of expectations I consider to be reasonable.  Take these, for example:  

When I contact someone, they should reply.  Trust me, working in sales taught me this is not necessarily the case.  It’s not always the case in life either.

If you’re polite and courteous to someone, they will reply in kind.  Well, no.  People respond from where they are.  I can definitely set the tone.  But if the person I’m talking to is in a place where they’re grumpy or miserable or hurt, they may not reply nicely.  Or perhaps there’s a trigger to an unhappy memory unknown to me.

If you do your best, it will be recognized and succeed.  Great concept.  It should work.  But it doesn’t always.  Sometimes those who make more noise get recognized.  Sometimes those we see as phony or deceitful succeed by doing so.

The challenge with expectations – at least, those which involve another person – is just that:  they involve another person.  We don’t control other people, or their thoughts, or their actions and responses.  (at least, not unless there’s something a little sick going on…)  This means there’s potentially a large number of unmet expectations – expectations we place on others, and expectations others hold for us.

So what to do with this?  It’s freeing, in a sense.  When I recognize my lack of control over someone else’s behaviour, thoughts or attitude, I can stop blaming myself for it.  That’s pretty helpful, because like most of us, I don’t have much trouble finding things for which to blame myself.  It’s a list that would benefit from some cuts.

It also puts my focus right back on me.  I’m still in control of my own behaviour, thoughts and attitude.  And while these don’t need to live up to the expectations of those around me, perhaps it’s a good idea to consider whether I might find some useful goals there. 

(Some days, the understanding that I am only responsible for myself is a very welcome one!  There are people for whom I’d rather not be accountable!)

Lastly, if I can realize that the expectations I hold for others, and those they hold for me, may not be realistic, I need to think about applying that premise to those expectations I hold for myself.  To be gentle and kind to myself.  I’m not perfect.  I’ve made mistakes and I feel fully confident that I’ll continue to do so.  But when I allow myself to realize that my personal expectation may have been unrealistic – or unrealistic at that time – I can let myself reevaluate, make changes, or try again.

I find so many lessons in this!  Be kind – to yourself and to others (that comes up a lot, doesn’t it?).  Be realistic, and remember that controlling someone else is both a frustrating and fruitless exercise.  And don’t let yourself be burdened by someone else’s expectations, but do see what you can learn from them.