It's not Your Fight.


It’s not your fight

This is something I heard yesterday – it related to individual circumstances, to people who are struggling in their personal situation.  It spoke to the fact that even when we empathize with another’s situation, or are close to the person involved, you can’t fight their fight or feel their pain for them.  It’s theirs to go through.  You can simply hold space for them – you can be there, have their back, and love them where they are.  Sometimes, that’s the hardest part, isn’t it?

As someone who’s a problem-solver by nature, this is a challenge for me.  Putting a problem in front of me that I’m not able/allowed to solve (or even try) is downright painful.  I feel this compulsion to solve it.

But just as I’ve had to learn to solve my own problems, I also have to recognize the need to let others solve their own problems.  That’s hard for me when it’s a friend who’s dealing with something I just KNOW I could fix. 

So, how to translate, or deal with this?  I accommodate my own desire to help by listening to my friends when they’re struggling.  I let them know that I’m there if they need me.  Sometimes, I’ll offer to help with something specific.  But once I do that, I need to let them lead (this is the hard part for me).  I need to let them call to talk when they’re hurting, or let them take me up on that offer.  (I may remind them of these offers occasionally).  And sometimes, where my friends most need my help is somewhere I hadn’t thought of, or perhaps even somewhere I don’t want to be.  That’s when the ball falls back in my court, and where I can choose to step in where asked, or to honour my own needs and simply say “I can’t help with that”.  (Because that’s ok too!)

Then, we have bigger situations.  Situations that are part of society, like what’s happening right now.  There are so many unfair and biased inequities which affecting people of colour, and other marginalized groups.  And while I’m not part of a marginalized group (other than being female), I have friends who are.  I have friends who are from Africa, and the Carribean, and Mexico, and South American, and India, and the Middle East, and China, and so many other places.  I have friends who were born here but whose heritage is from elsewhere, who don’t look “white”.  And because they’re my friends – and because there are humans who are persecuted anywhere – their fight is one I support.

I can’t say it’s my fight – to me, that’s taking ownership of something I don’t personally experience.  But again, I support them.  When they want to share their stories, I listen.  And when they don’t, I respect that.  And in this case, I accommodate my own desire to help as well.  If I see someone – whether they’re a friend who’s with me, or a stranger – who’s being mistreated (including being ignored) because of their skin tone or any other factor, I WILL speak up. 

It’s not my fight.  But I support you.  And I stand with you.

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