Trust: A Relationship Built on Time, Consistency, and Boundaries

Trust is something that’s been on my mind a lot this week.  I see it as a unique quality.  There are many qualities which we as humans may have or acquire – honesty, consistency, reliability, loyalty, empathy, and more.  But these are all inherent or acquired.  Sometimes they’re learned..

Trust is different.  You don’t learn trust.  You don’t acquire trust.  You aren’t just born giving or receiving trust.  You build it.  A new baby builds this with their parent or caregiver (hopefully!).  Ideally, you build it in your personal and business relationships.  Because without trust, it seems to me that any relationship is somehow lacking, empty.

Those who’ve read along for a while may remember Roxy from The Invisible Cat.  When Roxy first came to us in January 2017, we had a clear relationship and it was built on mistrust.  Don’t get me wrong – I wanted to love her, but once we got her out from behind the dryer, it was clear that building any relationship would take time.  Just getting from mistrust to neutral took time.

Over the last few years, this has continued as an ongoing process for both of us.  Trust is a two-way street – we each build on this.  Roxy has learned that it’s ok to be picked up.  She’s learned that picking up a broom or a towel doesn’t mean she needs to panic, run or hide.   She’s beginning to understand that sudden movement around her isn’t always a trigger for fear.  She sees the world around her as a (mostly) friendly place, and trusts that it isn’t filled with pain.  She’s learned that while she has teeth and nails, she needs to use them appropriately (this has been a process) or the petting/tummy rubs/snuggles will be withdrawn. 

 

I’ve learned too.  I’ve learned that Roxy lives for tummy pets and will gladly roll over and wave her paws in the air for these.  I’ve also learned that she loves this enough to control her teeth and nails.  I’ve learned that while she doesn’t love the process of her lion-cut, she does love the result enough to deal with it (with the help of some calming meds).  I’ve learned that bed-snuggles are a favourite pastime and as a result I often awake with a soft paw on my nose, or a gentle purr against my belly.

Some areas are harder.  When Roxy’s upset by an unwelcome situation (ie getting her lion cut), she’s learned that while I will comfort, love, and protect her, I won’t take the situation away.  And the fact that she continues to trust me through these (from her perspective) trials, and seeks me out for comfort, is something I take as a real compliment. 

There have been challenges.  We still have moments where she reacts to something quickly, and I move my hand away to avoid those teeth and nails, just in case, though she hasn’t used them aggressively in some times.  I’m still learning to trust that she won’t.  There are still times where she panics and hisses at me, and I gently remind her that we don’t talk to our mum that way.  She’s learning with this that I am the boss, and she doesn’t get to intimidate me.  As the “leader” in the relationship, I work to be consistent in this.  There are also boundaries.  We’re slowly breaking those down – I can now pick her up while she’s sleeping – but some remain, like the “mum is not a chew toy” rule, and my cautious approach when something has frightened Roxy.

These lessons all apply to our human relationships as well.  As humans, we need to remember that trust is built, not born.  It’s built on time – its doesn’t happen overnight. It’s built on consistency – proving itself again and again.  And it’s built on boundaries – clarity as to what’s there.  Clarity as to what isn’t.  Trust is also fragile.  While its construction takes time, its destruction does not.  A single act, a word, even a misinterpretation, can destroy trust. 

Trust is valuable.  Cherish it.