It's Easier to Fix the Problem You Know

The Barenaked Ladies sang “we never really knew each other anyways” (in Enid).

I guess it’s true in a lot of cases.  We all deal with other people.  Some close, some at a distance.  Some of us deal with many strangers, others with only a few close connections.

Other people all have one thing in common, though.  We never know everything about them.  Your kids, your partner, your parents, your best friend? There are still things you don’t know.  Maybe not much.  Maybe little things.  Maybe just something they’re not entirely sure is true, but have always wondered about.  But it’s there.

Instinctively, as humans, we protect ourselves.  We share the bits that feel safe.  Or in some cases, the bits that pop out without control. We keep those secrets.

So why does knowing another person matter so much? Trust is the key, for sure.  When you know someone – really know them – you can understand and predict them. Actions, reactions, opinions, or a lack of any of these.  You just know.  That’s not so with people you don’t know.  They’re unpredictable.  And for humans, that’s a threat.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s (insert creepy music here) unknown.

 

This has always been one of the things I love about animals. They’re direct.  An animal is hurt, angry, upset, any of the above … you’ll know.  An animal loves you?  You’ll know.  There’s no hiding, no deceit – intentional or otherwise – and no confusion.  That cat or dog growling at you?  It’s telling  want you to come near.  There’s still a reason to be worked out in this, but as I’ve seen personally in Roxy’s story (The Invisible Cat), once that reason is addressed, change can occur … sometimes rapidly. 

Humans aren’t this way.  We often portray feelings we don’t feel, or hide those we do. And as much as we do so in self-protection, it’s truly to our own detriment, as well as that of others.

Hiding our feelings often reminds me of an ostrich burying its head in the sand, or a small child or animal hiding their eyes.  I can’t see you, so you can’t see me and I’m safe.  Of course, it doesn’t work that way -we can still see the ostrich, the child, the animal.  And often, other people can see or sense the feelings we’re hiding.  By not being open, we create confusion and miscommunication.

So what’s the lesson here?  Be yourself.  Your real, authentic self. Say what you mean.  That doesn’t mean going into a rampage against someone whose words or actions have made you angry, but if you don’t let them know, how will this be addressed?  I’ve found that burying hurt, pain and anger solves nothing.

In chatting with a friend recently, I commented that if you don’t take your car to the mechanic to find out what’s wrong, you’re going to run into a whole lot more challenges trying to fix it.  Life works the same way.  If we’re honest and open (and kind!) about our feelings, we stand a much better chance of addressing misunderstandings or other challenges before they have time to fester.