Pass It On

Hello blog world! I’ve missed you.

I woke this morning with the mental reminder of two things: - Everything we do sets an example for someone else - Our unconscious behaviour is dictated by the examples around us – now, and in the past I see these as two equally important sides of a coin.

One of the things we learn quickly as parents is that our children ape our behaviour. I come to this somewhat unpleasant realization when I needed a friend’s help to take my daughter to her dance lessons about 40km away. My friend and I shared a group of common friends, and she knew my daughter well. Or, at least she thought she did. After the long drive, they were waiting to make a left turn at a stoplight. The driver of the car in front of them was … well, let’s say a little tardy in taking advantage of wide-open opportunities to make the turn. It wasn’t even warm outside, but the story goes that my normally fairly quiet daughter opened the window and hollered “move it {insert rather creative expletive here}!”. Far from offended, my friend could hardly drive as she laughed so hard that tears rolled down her face. I don’t think she stopped laughing all the way home to tell me about it. (…fifteen years later, she might STILL be laughing…) While hilarious, this moment also gave me a clear picture that my kids – kids of a single parent – picked up on EVERYTHING I did and said. Oops. Time to pay more attention to the example I’m setting, hmmm? (They’ve turned out pretty ok, despite me) If you’ve ever stopped after saying or doing something and said “oh my gosh, I’m my mother (or father, or another influencing figure)”, you know the second. The question comes, then, what do we do about that? Is it wrong or bad? Well, the short answer is “not necessarily”. If the lessons we’ve passed on or held on to are the good ones, perpetuating those is a terrific way to share what we’ve learned. But have you learned – or taught – only the good lessons? Stop and think a minute. Are the examples you’re setting, or behaviour you’re demonstrating, really what you want to see in those around you? The way you just spoke to your child, your colleague. The way your boss or partner just spoke to you. Is that what you want? You’ve probably had a boss, a parent, a co-worker – perhaps even a sibling or friend – who was prone to making you feel small, or just stomping on you. Not what we typically see as bullying, but a less obvious form? Maybe.

How did you feel? Is that a feeling you want to pass on? Is that what you’re passing on? I remember the excellent words of a leader I worked with. I say with, because while I was responsible to her as my “boss”, she treated me – and others – as a leader. Her words to us were “remember, you are leading leaders”. Sounds really simple, doesn’t it? I’ve worked hard to adopt this and often remind myself and others of this important thought. It influenced the way I led my own team. It’s what helped me to curb my natural tendencies to step in, to do it for them, to micromanage. (Trust me, some days that’s a hard fight). So why does this matter? It matters because when I remember that I’m leading leaders, I’m in a better place to let them lead. To let them make their own mistakes. To gently help them look at what went well, and what they could have done differently, without recriminations, because they probably already know what they’ve done wrong, and what advice they should’ve taken.

It’s my hope that they – as I try to do – will take those lessons of supporting rather than stomping forward in their families, their communities, their work and their leadership. You might be surprised to learn that the life lesson here isn’t much different from so many of my other blog posts: be kind. We’ve all brought baggage from our past. Be aware of it. Understand if that’s really what you want to carry into the future. And if it’s not, in the words of Michael Jackson “…take a look at yourself, and make the change”. After all, in every aspect of our lives, aren’t we all leading leaders? (Want to check out my favourite Michael Jackson song, quoted above? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps )