The ones who know

It’s never fun to make a mistake in front of others.  There’s something about it which creates vulnerability.  Even if you’ve never been bullied or mocked (and I suspect most of us have at some point), that feeling that everyone sees your mistake is scary.

Here’s the catch, though: they don’t.  Most of the people around you don’t see it – at all, or if they do, it’s nowhere near as obvious as it feels.  The one person who finds that mistake so conspicuous is you.

In my early teens, I performed as the piano accompanist for a choir at my school.  We toured northern Ontario one year, eastern Canada the next.  There were regular appearances on the television show associated with the church to which the school was attached.  And while I might not have been seen much, I was certainly heard.

Some of what our choir sang had very simple accompaniment.  Some of it didn’t.  Some of it was long, with multiple pages – so much so that I acquired a page turner.  A few pieces had longer introductions, or musical interludes where I felt very much on view, as though the piano which normally hid me instead put me in the spotlight.  It was a place where I wasn’t comfortable.

One of my best learnings around this time came from our music teacher and choir director – a divorced single mom (shocking in a church-affiliated school!) who was supportive without smothering. She excelled at being down-to-earth, and her words have remained with me for forty years.  I had broken down in tears one day after making what I felt was a huge mistake in my accompaniment during performance.  (I did wait till I was off-stage). She came and hugged me – back in the days when that was ok – until I was done.  And then she explained.  She told me that the number of people who could tell I’d made a mistake was inestimably small – probably less than one percent.  Would I – as one of those people who’d be able to notice – think less of someone for a small mistake?  I was confident that I wouldn’t.  She agreed, and then told me that all of those people who could notice were like me.  They understood about performance, and pressure.  The other 99%, who might judge in their lack of understanding and identification?  They didn’t know enough to tell.  I could probably make a dozen mistakes like that.  They’d never know.

You’re like that, too.  Whatever you do, whatever mistakes you make in it – they’re yours.  You know what it was meant to be, where the flaws are located.  But the rest of us don’t see them.  We just see the overall picture of your achievement.  And the few that know, that do see?  They understand, care and support you.  They’re not judging you, because they’ve been there too, and will be again.

Forty years later, I’ve applied this to almost every aspect of my life.  Repeatedly, in some cases.  That’s partly because I forget about the 99% who wouldn’t understand but don’t know, and the 1% who know, understand, and empathize.

This morning, my friends, I ask you: where are you judging yourself too harshly?  Focusing on the mistakes?  Assuming that everyone around you is sitting in condemnation?  Trust me, most of them are too busy with self-judgment to worry about you.

Kindness applies to you as well.  Be kind to yourself, as well as others.  This is a great application for that old adage “charity begins at home”.  So does kindness.